Software being rewritten - when looking at Carson I could feel all my systems shifting, like a virus in hacker movies, where my goals, motivations, plans, everything was being rewritten.
Joy on tap - I can literally look at him and if I hold the gaze I will melt into a big sappy puddle of feeling joy.
Baby objects have color now - I instantly find them interesting - baby stuff we bought before that I viewed as a nuisance now instantly has meaning to me and genuine interest. Not out of necessity and utility only - more like I'm very happily interested because it can help Carson. This is also true of kids songs and movies. All instantly has meaning and beauty.
"God hath made me forget all my toil" - Joseph in Genesis 41 when talking about naming his first baby Manasseh names him Manasseh which means to forget - because it helped him forget all his toil (and betrayal and crazy hardship in jail etc.) I used to think that was just the cap on his epic rise to that point. Now I realize it was literally just related to him having his baby - that that more than being Pharoah's number 2 is what made him forget all his toil.
Severance and switching back and forth between modes. I do work and I'm interested in that or I'm grumpy about having to do the routine and then I look at Carson (Cal?) and I'm instantly back in baby mode and I just want the best for him. I love him intensely.
I'm surprised about the lightness of the joy that I feel when I look at him. I thought it would be a sort of yearning for the wellbeing of someone but it's beyond that - it's clouds and sunshine and flowers and gentle breezes and sigh of calm and cool water - truly it's like this lightness I've never experienced before.
Seeing him being lifted out of Steph in the hospital was wild - instant realization he is from us, and taking in all his details - magic.
I was worried I wouldn't be interested in my child - genuinely. I've so badly wanted to get ahead in life with work, I've felt behind for a long time. Baby came just when it felt like things were turning around and I was genuinely concerned I wouldn't like the baby. I knew I would take care of him and do all I could. But the moment he came out he was magic to me. Complete magic. I love that baby boy. Holy cow I love him.